The winter break is over and 90min‘s Definitive European Player Power Rankings are out of hibernation.
We need something big to kick off the new year, so we’re going to turn to the films of 1990 for inspiration with this week’s rankings.
Well, maybe just one 1990 classic. It’s Goodfellas time.
“I got to admit the truth. It turned me on.”
One of the most arousing performances of the week came from VVV-Venlo’s Georgios Giakoumakis, who put no less than four goals past ADO Den Haag.
That’s now 16 goals in as many games for the Greek, who’s sitting pretty at the top of the Eredivisie scoring charts by a comfortable margin.
“Jimmy was the kind of guy that rooted for bad guys in the movies.”
Football’s anti-hero, everyone has been rooting for Luis Suarez since he was unceremoniously booted out of Barcelona.
The Atletico Madrid man added another two goals and an assist over the winter period, helping to keep his side right at the top of the La Liga table.
“Business bad? F**k you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? F**k you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? F**k you, pay me.”
Business has been pretty bad for Bayern Munich recently, but they’ve made sure they still get paid. Despite conceding the first goal in their last nine league games, Hansi Flick’s side have lost just once.
Thomas Muller has helped them through this bumpy patch with goals and assists, including creating two in a 5-2 win over Mainz.
Bit of an awkward interview after crashing out of the cup though…
“I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.”
Jimmy Two-Times says everything two times, and Steven Berghuis assists every goal two times.
He set up another two goals over the festive period, and Berghuis now sits second in the league for assists and third for goals. He’s not messing about this season.
“For a second I thought I was dead. But, when I heard all the noise, I knew they were cops. Only cops talk that way. If they’d been wiseguys, I wouldn’t have heard a thing. I would’ve been dead.”
Oh hey, Erling Haaland. Long time no see.
The Norway international rose from the dead this week to smash home two goals against RB Leipzig, producing another one of his typically terrifying performances.
“If we wanted something, we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again.”
Boulaye Dia has forced his way into the conversation for Ligue 1’s best striker.
He bagged his 11th and 12th goals of the season this week, proving exactly why so many teams are keen to lure him away from struggling Reims this January. Listen up, West Ham.
“But, I’m funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to f***ing amuse you?”
It was Kylian Mbappe and PSG who had the last laugh against Marseille as they pipped them to the Trophee des Champions this week.
Mbappe took his total for the season to 14 goals and eight assists in just 21 appearances this season, and with partner-in-crime Neymar back, it’s time to be scared of PSG again.
“You’d be late for your own f***ing funeral… What the f**k you looking at? Come on, make that coffee to go. Let’s go.”
A little late to the party this season, but it’s safe to say that Lionel Messi is well and truly back.
The Barcelona man has bagged two goals in each of his last two games, and it’s now six games since Messi failed to get involved in at least one goal.
“Oh I like this one… One dog goes one way, the other dog goes the other way, and this guy’s sayin’g ‘Whadda ya want from me?’.”
Ciro Immobile knows exactly what Lazio fans want from him: goals.
Since October 24, Immobile has only failed to score in two Serie A appearances – a run which includes five goals in his last six games. Elite.
“Go home and get your f***ing shine box.”
Few players are shining this season quite as brightly as Sporting CP’s Pedro Goncalves.
The 22-year-old has two goals and an assist in three games to kick off 2021, and he’s well out in front in both the club and league scoring charts. Not bad for your debut season.
“I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook.”
A bit of an average few weeks for both Romelu Lukaku and his Inter side.
His late winner in the Coppa Italia against Fiorentina was great, but it was balanced out by the fact he drew blanks in a draw with Roma and a loss to Sampdoria before that.
“For us, to live any other way was nuts.”
Tottenham have probably forgotten what it’s like to play attractive football.
It’s not the most fun to watch, but Harry Kane is still having a great time. He added two more goals and another assist to his ridiculous tally – 26 games, 18 goals, 14 assists.
“I like going this way. It’s better than waiting in line.”
For Bruno Fernandes, the only way is up.
His mental form – three goals and three assists in four games – has Manchester United atop the Premier League throne for the first time in what feels like an eternity, and the good times look set to keep on rolling.
“For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster. To me that was better than being president of the United States. To be a gangster was to own the world.”
Cristiano Ronaldo probably feels like he owns the world.
He’s not scoring in every game like he was earlier in the season, but Ronaldo is still firing at a ludicrous rate, adding his 15th goal in just 13 games against Sassuolo.
“35, 40, 45, 50, 60,000.”
“It’s gonna be a good summer.”
How many goals is Robert Lewandowski going to score this season? 35? 40? 45? 50? 60,000?
A run of eight in his last five games has the Pole on 20 in the Bundesliga and 23 in all competitions. Even when Bayern aren’t playing well, Lewandowski knows how to get the job done.