Bayern Munich topped last week’s rankings | Matt Burt/Minute Media
Following a week in which:
– Southampton, Tottenham and Leicester all went top of the Premier League.
– Real Madrid conceded 10,000 penalties.
– SCOTLAND QUALIFIED FOR THE EUROS.
– Power Rankings chief Jack Gallagher gave temporary control of things to the handsome captain of Player Power Rankings towers.
We rank the 15 best teams in Europe using quotes from the best films released in 1982.
Southampton were momentarily top | STU FORSTER/Getty Images
“Tomorrow I’m going to call someone.”
“Like who? I looked in the Yellow Pages. ‘Furniture Movers’, we’ve got. ‘Strange Phenomenon’, there’s no listing.” (Poltergeist)
Southampton being one of the best teams in England is a pretty strange phenomenon.
Their 2-0 win over Newcastle fired them to the top of the Premier League for a short while, and they didn’t even need Danny Ings!
PSG are back at it | Xavier Laine/Getty Images
“Right. When you’re right, you’re right. And you’re right.” (Tootsie)
After being rubbish for the first few weeks of the season, PSG are back to being really, really good. Just like they’ve always claimed to be.
Thomas Tuchel’s side have won their last seven Ligue 1 games, scoring less than three in just one of those games.
Rangers have been electric | Ian MacNicol/Getty Images
“Do you ever get the feeling that there’s something going on that we don’t know about?” (Diner)
Rangers are the best team in Scotland right now and it’s not even close.
They just put eight past Hamilton to take their tally to 37 goals in 14 games, and they’ve conceded just three times.
Do you ever get the feeling that they’re going to win the title?
City’s tricky start to the season continued | Visionhaus/Getty Images
“How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?” (E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial)
How do you explain how boring City’s 1-1 draw with Liverpool was to a higher intelligence?
Chelsea thumped Sheffield United | Mike Hewitt/Getty Images
“A guy can get anything he wants as long as he pays the price.” (The King of Comedy)
Are Chelsea actually good now?
Funny what spending well over £200m on players can do.
Gladbach’s season stuttered | DeFodi Images/Getty Images
“Why don’t you get a job, Spicoli?”
“You need money.”
“All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I’m fine.” (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
Tasty waves aren’t cutting it for Gladbach anymore.
Their 4-3 loss to Bayer Leverkusen was one of the more entertaining games of the week, but it’s left Gladbach down in seventh in the Bundesliga.
Lille were stunned by Brest | FRED TANNEAU/Getty Images
“What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would wither and die.” (My Favourite Year)
When you concede three goals to Stade Brest in 45 minutes, it’s tough to call yourself title contenders.
Lille’s chances of winning the title may well have withered and died already. Catching PSG is nearly impossible.
Napoli are up to third | Alessandro Sabattini/Getty Images
“They’re here.” (Poltergeist)
Napoli are clinging on to a place in Serie A’s title picture.
Victor Osimhen’s second goal of the season was enough to earn Napoli a 1-0 win over Bologna, and now Gennaro Gattuso’s side are back in the race.
Spurs remain in the title picture | Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images
“Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night.” (Conan the Barbarian)
Jose Mourinho’s in charge of a side who know how to win both pretty and ugly games.
The rest of the Premier League should be afraid.
Dortmund lost Der Klassiker | LEON KUEGELER/Getty Images
“I’m going to feel this way until I don’t feel this way anymore.” (Tootsie)
Dortmund might have forgotten how it feels not to lose 3-2 to Bayern Munich.
It was their second loss by that scoreline to the defending champions this season. That’s rough.
Ibrahimovic saved Milan (again) | Jonathan Moscrop/Getty Images
“Oh man, this isn’t happening, it only thinks it’s happening.” (Tron)
Is AC Milan’s title charge actually happening?
If so, relying on a 93rd-minute equaliser to salvage a point against Verona isn’t the best way of showing that.
Sociedad are still top of La Liga | Juan Manuel Serrano Arce/Getty Images
“Is Mr. Langford expecting you?”
“Yes, I don’t think he is.” (The King of Comedy)
Was anybody expecting Real Sociedad to be top of La Liga at this point in the season?
Their 2-0 win over Granada this week had it all. There were goals, three penalties (two of which were missed) and a late red card. If you want excitement, look no further.
There are no Liverpool players left | Shaun Botterill/Getty Images
“You must be dead, because I don’t know how to feel. I can’t feel anything anymore.” (E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial)
Liverpool fans’ll be dead inside after looking at their side’s medical record.
Trent Alexander-Arnold and Joe Gomez are both out (so is some guy called Van Dijk, by the way), and now Mohamed Salah may or may not have COVID-19.
It’s all going wrong.
Vardy scored a penalty and missed another | Michael Regan/Getty Images
“Not very sporting to fire on an unarmed opponent. I thought you were supposed to be good. Aren’t you the ‘good’ man? C’mon, Deckard. Show me what you’re made of.” (Blade Runner)
Don’t let Wolves fool you; they’re not very good this season and Leicester took advantage of that.
The Foxes managed to win the battle for top spot in the Premier League heading into the international break, and with Wesley Fofana dominating at the back, who knows how long they could stay there?
Bayern Munich remain on top | LEON KUEGELER/Getty Images
“You’re all wonderful! And I never want to see any of you again!” (Victor Victoria)
^ Hansi Flick’s message to the rest of the Bundesliga.
Fending off Dortmund means Bayern are now clear at the top of the table, and based on current form, they might be there for some time.
And, as is tradition with this series, here’s your weekly reminder that Joshua Kimmich is very good at football (I know he got injured and barely played, but I don’t make the rules around here).
For more from Tom Gott, follow him on Twitter!